Back in early February, I attended a group event as a sort of kick-off for a project David is currently working on. Myself and a few others were recruited as consultants on the project, and we wanted to have a weekend to connect and brainstorm and get to know each other better. I remember being there and just feeling this distance between myself and the others there. And it wasn't a new feeling, what was new was how it almost felt tangible. Like it was made of that sort of movie magic clear force field that you can kind of stick your hand into but not get through. It was weird to notice it in this new way. I've long identified as an introvert and when I was working with my therapist she diagnosed me with social anxiety, so again, this was a familiar feeling, I was just noticing it in a new way so I could really appreciate the subtleties of it.
As has been the case with a lot of issues that have come to my attention over the past year, I decided to just kind of gently explore it with curiosity. A metaphor that I like is that my life/energy/well-being is kind of like a stream. I'll notice a ripple or some turbulence, and then give a peek under the water. Huh! It turns out there's a rock under there causing the disturbance. But it's pretty well seated and snug in the stream bed. So I'll get a stick and kind of poke around the sides a little bit, and wiggle it as I explore it. When does this show up in my life? Is it related to specific people or specific situations? Where do I feel it in my body? And then, after some variable amount of time, there will be a breakthrough of some sort (maybe related to plant medicine, or meditation, or discussion with a friend, maybe a tool like IFS, or just continued awareness)----the rock comes loose! And it's either carried down stream or just kind of breaks into pieces and is gone. And the stream of my well-being flows so much more peacefully and joyfully...until I notice the next area of turbulence!
So back to the New But Familiar Feeling. In April we went to Denver with some friends to attend a couple of concerts. I had originally thought it was a smaller group, but it turned out to be a larger group than I knew about. A few people I knew, but more that I didn't. Historically that's been a major anxiety trigger for me, but it was a lot less this time. (Yay growth!) One of the women who was there, though, was quite a bit younger than the rest of us and just along as a +1 for one of the group members. Every time I saw her, she was completely dolled up and I wasn't surprised to learn later that she modeled and posed for various social media type things. As a person who has never been that into fashion or makeup or any of those things, I have often found myself intimidated by women who are. By this point in time, I had enough self-awareness to recognize that I had a habit of pre-judging and dismissing them without giving them a chance in an attempt to avoid their scrutiny and judgment, since I was sure I'd come up lacking in their minds.
The group of us were going out, and after seeing the outfits she'd already worn on the trip, I looked at my own options and couldn't help but feel just kind of meh. Like I *knew* there was no way in hell I'd wear clothes like hers, but walking around with her (and the other women, though not to the same extent) made me feel like some sort of donkey hanging out with the show ponies. Just not a great feeling.
But while getting ready and considering my options, I had an epiphany. I chose a tank top and a pair of overalls and thought, "These clothes make me happy. I feel like myself and I feel cute in them. I hope her clothes make her happy." It was like this new pathway opened up in my mind. Instead of the kind of dark, judgy, self-conscious pathway I'd been walking pretty much my whole life, there was this NEW path lined with sunshine, a lovely breeze, and wildflowers dancing along the sides. Somehow this realization around something as simple as clothes was cascading out to a much larger area in my psyche. I can dress/act/live how I choose to, in ways that make me happy. And others can dress/act/live how they choose to, in ways that make THEM happy. Whoa. (I realize that like most profound life truths, it doesn't really sound all that amazing when I put it in to words. It's kind of a "Well duh," sort of thing. But words and ideas don't matter until you experience them, and this was a very new experience for me.)
We all went out that day, and other times during our trip. I wore whatever I wanted. She wore whatever she wanted (I assume). And I could look at her and appreciate that she liked wearing those kind of clothes and hoped that she felt cute and happy in them. I didn't feel insecure about my own wardrobe choices. I even was able to look at her and see her loveliness and compliment her genuinely and sincerely, and we ended up having some lovely times together. I can't overstate how different this was for me. I don't think I was ever awful to people in the past, but I definitely would keep my distance and attempt manage my discomfort by avoidance.
A year or so ago I learned about metta (lovingkindness) meditation. A simple one goes like this,
May all beings be happy.
May they be healthy.
May they be at peace.
May they be free.
I could see that this shift in me was an outpouring of lovingkindness towards others, but also towards myself. Freeing myself from the weight of the judgment I imagined from others has done so much more than help me feel better in my clothes. It's allowed me to dissolve the barrier I felt between myself and others. I realized that I was always expending energy trying to imagine the minds of others and shape myself so I wouldn't be judged or criticized or thought poorly of by them. It wasn't as bad with people I knew, though it was still there to some degree. This. Was. EXHAUSTING. No wonder I felt tremendously depleted around groups. The larger or more unfamiliar, the more draining. No wonder I felt such a distance. I wasn't truly present because I was scenario testing all the time, even though it was all below my awareness, it was going on subconsciously. I was self-monitoring and scanning for clues from the others on how they were responding to me. I couldn't just BE. I couldn't just act naturally and authentically, since I was running all those systems. And now that I was aware of them, I could choose differently.
For the past five (maybe 6) years, the kids and I have gotten together with a group of 10-15 other families to camp for three nights. The first 3 years were pretty rough and draining for me. I would go join a conversation that was going on and feel so out of place. I wouldn't feel sure that they wanted me there. I felt awkward. It was a lot to manage, and I'd come home pretty beat. If it wasn't for the fact that the kids had a great time, I probably wouldn't have kept going. Summer of 2021 I had been working with a therapist for about 9 months and there were notable changes for me that time at camp. I would notice my feelings of anxiety and discomfort and I didn't judge them or myself or send myself down some negative thought spiral. I gave myself permission to take breaks from engaging with people by reading a book on a hammock, driving back down the canyon into town, going on a walk, etc. It was a lot better. Last year was even better, as I felt like I was able to engage fully in the conversations without feeling like I wasn't welcome. I also had a really lovely, powerful, and insightful tarot card read with one of. the women there that moved me to tears, and it was really beautiful to feel supported in that way while processing some things. Nothing could have prepared me for my experience this year, though. I felt so incredibly free to be myself, and show up with the loving and light energy I've cultivated this year. I felt like I saw all of these women (and the few men who attended) with fresh eyes. I saw how beautiful their souls were. I felt like I could see how deeply good they are, and also. I could see their tender hearts and their insecurities. It was magical and incredibly energizing. Instead of interactions feeling draining, every interaction fed my energy. During our camp opening ceremony, we all went around and stated a wish for camp. Mine was, "I wish for lots of hugs and snuggles,' and it certainly came true. I credit the work I've done on being more comfortable in my body and with my Self and also many lovely moments connecting physically (snuggling with friends is AMAZING, it turns out) with people I love this year as being huge catalysts for this. So I'd sit in the two person camp chair and anyone who asked to sit next to me I'd say, "Yes! Are you up for snuggling?" It fed my soul and deepened my love for everyone. I also felt very capable of having conversations with anyone, because I no longer felt such a need to self-monitor.I wasn't trying to scan their responses for clues as to how they felt about me. I figured if they didn't want to talk to me, that's okay. If they had whatever thought about me, that's okay, too. Hopefully they wouldn't have to spend too much time around me! I was so incredibly happy and grateful at the end of camp this year because I could see how much I'd grown. How often do you get to have essentially the same experience with essentially the same people for multiple years in a row so that you get to witness your own growth with such clarity?
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