I started therapy in November of 2020. Things were not great in my relationship with David and I felt helpless to move forward. I knew that the challenges we had around communication were a big part of our issues, and I knew that my part of it was the overwhelming emotions I would feel that would result in me shutting down and being unable to stay engaged or have productive conversations around anything difficult or emotionally charged. I needed outside help. So these communication challenges were what I brought up during my first meeting with Luann. I don't remember if it was that first session or at the start of the second one, but she said her "diagnosis" of me was Social Anxiety Disorder. I was honestly surprised. One of the kids had been assessed with Social Anxiety but I didn't see myself as having that same set of challenges. I thought I had some anxiety and also just a large dose of introversion. She went on to explain that a lot of people who deal with social anxiety have it in certain contexts whereas other contexts present no issues for them. For example, a bartender might do great at their job meeting and chatting with strangers, but have a really hard time with public speaking or communicating with family members. One thing that really did resonate that she brought up was the fear of being judged. With regard to my relationship with David this resonated in a deep way. I needed to feel like he approved of me to feel secure in our relationship. So anything that hinted of scrutiny or disapproval sent me spiraling and into an emotional shutdown.
Fast forwarding a bit, after a year plus of working with Luann and my first plant medicine journey, I was doing a LOT better. Less anxiety generally, and I'd made a lot of progress in communicating with David. But social situations with new people were still pretty hard for me. (I honestly think this aspect of my anxiety flared up in the aftermath of the twins' being born. I don't remember feeling the same level of anxiety prior, just more of my introverted tendencies.) David and a couple friends had traveled to New Orleans in the fall and wanted to travel out again for Mardi Gras with their wives. At first it was just going to be a small group of us, but then it grew to include some friends and as the group grew, my anxiety around the whole trip grew as well. I didn't know any of the people all that well, and the thought of everyone else having other friends and me feeling like the odd one out was awful. I tried really hard to get in a good headspace for the trip but it was a battle. I spent a lot of time playing through and imagining unpleasant scenarios that I'd likely have to deal with. It didn't seem like it was going to be any fun at all.
We went on the trip, which I realized ended up being the longest I'd been away from the kids since having kids (6 days). Overall, it was really delightful and so much fun. Some really magical moments, and New Orleans is such a beautiful city. And some things did go "wrong" that had to be resolved. David and I had a couple different issues come up that we had to work through, and there was some messy stuff with regard to other members of our group that kind of put a damper on the fun as well. There were times when I was uncomfortable with stuff and I had to face that and decide what to do about it. But you know what? NONE of the hard things that happened were things I'd spent time worrying might happen. Not even ONE of the bad things I imagined happening actually happened. (And I had imagined a lot of things in the weeks leading up to the trip.) Instead DIFFERENT hard things happened, and I had to deal with them. And I did. And those things were legitimately unpleasant and challenging, but I got through them and still had a good experience, overall. This trip was such a lesson to me, both about the futility of worry and also about my ability to work through challenges. Stuff will happen, but I have the capacity to deal with it.
Worry is not preparation, though sometimes you may think it is. The next time your mind is occupied with worry, remember that worry doesn't prepare you for anything. Decide if there is something you can do that is productive about what you're worried about, or talk to someone for advice. Worry, in itself, blocks you; it's not productive. Heidi E. Spear in The Everything Guide to Chakra Healing
Sorry for the lack of attribution on that quote. It recently showed up in my Facebook memories from a year ago but I can't find the source. True regardless of who said it, though.
A couple examples of how letting go of a lot of worry has changed life for me this year. In October, I was attending an event up in Salt Lake City. I was taking Frontrunner up there and then would need to get to the venue somehow. In the past, I would have spent time and energy researching and mapping out my plan, and feeling generally stressed about it. Instead I rode the train up, got off the train, and figured out my options. Hm, I could walk and get there in 40 minutes. I could call for an Uber, or I could take a scooter or bike. The first scooter I found didn't start for some reason, and I was kind of discouraged by that. Oops, maybe I should have figured things out beforehand. I started walking, and eventually came across another scooter that I was able to get rented and started with no problem. This probably would seem like a small thing to most people, but for me, doing all of this without having preemptively spent a lot of time worrying about it was a definite sign of progress.
David had done a plant medicine ceremony with a group of people in July and another one was schedule for November. He wanted me to attend. Let's see: a group of people that he knows several of and I know none of, facilitated by a person he knows well I don't know at all, doing something I have no experience with that was likely to be vulnerable and I didn't know how I would respond to it. Every single part of this made me uncomfortable and in the past would have been enough reason for a No. This time, however, the fact that I was uncomfortable with all of the aspects made me feel like I should say Yes, instead. I didn't spend time worrying about the various potentialities that could go wrong. I found out what information I needed as far as packing and scheduling, and trusted that I could handle everything that might come up. Again, it wasn't problem free, but overall it was a really positive and wonderful experience.
I can see looking back that worrying really did nothing except add misery to my life. It stole my joy from the moments I spent worrying, but did not help me in any way deal with the actual challenges that showed up. As my skills of navigating and handling my rough emotions have improved, my confidence has increased. I trust that I can get through the emotional storms that might come. It has made all the difference for me in being able to enjoy life so much more and to be present with what is, whether it is pleasant or not.
Being conscious is cutting through your own melodrama and being right here. Exist in no-mind, be empty, here now, and trust that as a situation arises, out of you will come what is necessary to deal with that situation, including the use of your intellect when appropriate. You need not continuously hold on to your intellect to reassure yourself that you know where you're at, out of fear of loss of control.
Ultimately, when you stop identifying so much with your physical body and with your psychological entity, that anxiety starts to disintegrate. You start to define yourself as in flow with the universe, and whatever comes along ---- death, life, joy, sadness --- is grist for the mill of awakening. Ram Dass
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